June 9, 2011 at 10:58 pm (Uncategorized)
and I’m moving. I’ve been thinking a lot lately of what the focus of my blog is and sun in a purple sky no longer meets the focus. So I’ve moved and taken the leap to a self hosted blog.
You can now find me at Less Pounds, More Life
Please come on over and poke around. Things will be slow getting started but I hope to make the place a great one!
June 6, 2011 at 7:40 am (Weekly weigh in)
It is Monday and that means weigh in day for me. I was kind of avoiding it because last week and the maintain. I decided that being scared of the scale is silly. It is only one small indicator of my progress not the only indicator. Hell I ran for a total of 19 minutes this past week! That is more than I have ever run. I am making progress.
So I walked in that room and turned on the scale and stepped on it….
-3.6
I’m down a grand total of 13.6 since the beginning of May and 43 down from my highest weight. I’m super proud of myself and what I’ve accomplished in these 5 weeks.
Now I’m looking ahead at the next 5 weeks which will include a holiday(4th of July), 15 more #5kin100days runs, and a 4 hours bellydance workshop. I’m ready for it.
What are you proud of this week?
June 3, 2011 at 5:58 am (dance)
Something I haven’t talked much about is my dance. I have been belly dancing on and off for about 10 years. I had a point where I quit for a couple years. I then found myself single and needing to connect. I immediately went back to my home, Bayou Shimmy in October 2009. I was afraid when I walked back into that studio after 2 years. I sat in the corner and waited for my class to start. Then it happened, one of my teachers saw me and yelled “omg look what the cat dragged in!!” then rushed over and hugged me. I was home at that moment and several wounds began to heal. I was taking classes again and happy. Then tragedy struck. On Jan 1, 2010 and the studio burned down. We were without a studio, the place that I went to and felt my soul heal. I was crushed. I stood in the parking lot looking at the wreckage and cried. I felt like I lost a part of me.
For months my teachers looked for places to hold classes. We met when we could. I wished for those dance classes and those moments of just sitting and being with friends. We finally found some temporary space for classes. I was taking classes again. I even worked up to teaching a couple classes. I was feeling whole again. Late in 2010 several of the teachers go together and formed a group to have a central place for information on bellydance classes in the area. We worked towards building a non-profit. Late in 2010 we held our first event a showcase to benefit the battered women’s shelter. It was rocky but it went well. 2011 has brought many good things for the bellydance community here. We have held two showcases and raised more money for the bettered women’s shelter. We also have a home again. One of our teachers took the plunge and opened a studio…it is amazing. A place to gather, to talk, to dance, to be a community.
Tonight I started teaching a new class. I was hesitant when I got to the studio, my energy was low. However I had 4 students that were enthusiastic and wonderful and laughed at all my silly jokes. I was re energized! I was reminded how much I love to dance. I feel free when I dance.
It has been a wonderful week and because of the support I’ve gotten from the fitblog community I’m going to take a leap of faith and put something out there. Here I a video of me dancing at our recent showcase (I’m in the back).
June 2, 2011 at 12:00 am (life, random thoughts)
I’m shy, really really shy.
I say that in front of my friends and they laugh at me. However the thought of walking into a room of people I don’t know scares me. Add to that the things I want to do include joining a running group (I can barely run right now but I’m working on it) and go to an event such as fitbloggin’ (I’m not exactly fit right now and my blog is just a baby), well that makes me cringe in terror. My biggest fear is standing on the sidelines watching everyone enjoy themselves and I’m not really a part of things. I’m excited to join in new things and meet new people but I just lack the confidence to do it. I know part of this is that I’m self-conscious about my weight even though I’m working on it.
This also extends to social media. I have a hard time breaking in and joining because what if what I say is dumb or people think I’m silly. This is why I read lots of blogs and don’t comment. I don’t always feel like what I have to say is important enough.
I’m going to work on my fears and shyness and join things. So if you see me looking lost say hello…please.
June 1, 2011 at 9:54 pm (fitness)
Today I start a journey to becoming a runner.
I started the program 5k in 100 days program from Brad Gansberg. I completed my first workout today. I ran today. It wasn’t fast. It wasn’t perfect. The fact remains that I ran. I completed the workout and I sat looking out over the walking path and I cried. I cried because my body did something that I didn’t ever think it could do. I cried because I was happy. I cried because I felt strong. Before this workout I was in dance class and kept thinking negative things about how I looked in the mirrors. After the workout I felt strong and happy and knew that my body would change for the better. I may not be perfect but I am perfect just where I am right now.
What I looked out over after my workout
this is me after completing my workout. Hot, sweaty and happy.
I’m proud of these today. My legs carried me through this workout and I will be a runner.
Looking forward to next June when I can really run on National Running Day.
June 1, 2011 at 8:37 am (health)
This was the longest weekend and not a great one. While most people were enjoying fun times and family for me there was pain and sadness and anxiety.
Thursday morning was my surgery and it went really well. I spend about 18 hours sleeping on and off Thursday and into Friday.
Friday I spent the day lounging on the couch and visiting with the couple of people who came to visit me. One brought me subway and the other hummus and ice cream. No I didn’t eat the hummus and ice cream together but both were very much appreciated. That evening I left the house thanks to my dad who took me to target, my dog thanks him too since she was the one that needed food.
Saturday I got up and went to walk with my dad. I was getting antsy not being able to exercise. We did a slow 2 miles. I then spent the day with friends. I think I might have over done it because I was exhausted and hurting.
Sunday morning I woke up in pain and canceled walking in the morning with my dad. I took it easy that day and by the evening I was feeling better and got in a 3 mile walk that felt good.
Monday morning I struggled thought 2 miles. I think this was mostly because it was humid and I was tired.
Over the course of those 5 days I went from eating very little to way to much and my tracking was sporadic at best. I emotionally ate all the feelings of being alone and unloved (I’m pretty sure these feelings were a result of the anesthesia, I foud that it is pretty common to have some mild depression as it works out of the body).
Today I am back on track. I am eating good foods, I am tracking 100%, I am exercising. This makes me happy.
Another thing that makes me happy is that I got those test results back. I am healthy, no further treatment needed at this time!! Thank you to everyone who was there for me during this stressful time.
May 31, 2011 at 7:36 am (Weekly weigh in)
I have mentioned that I only weigh myself at work because of my obsession with the scale so that means if there is a Monday holiday my weigh in gets moved back a day. I was pretty worried about this weigh in because of the surgery and the not eating then the eating way to much.
Well as it turns out things all evened out in the end. This week I am exactly the same as last week.
I am perfectly okay with this. Now I work on getting back to normal 
May 24, 2011 at 1:51 pm (health, life, random thoughts)
Today has been, so far, what I’d consider not so great. It isn’t that anything big has happened, no major trauma, no life changing incidents. It has been a day where I have been locked in my head with to many thoughts. Those thoughts are playing havoc with my self-esteem and self-worth.
If you read my post from last night you know I’m not sleeping well because I’m stressing over having a minor surgery this Thursday. This morning I went in for my preop appointment. I had blood drawn by the most competent person ever. In one stick she got what she needed and I don’t have a bruise and I always have a bruise when I have blood drawn. I gave my money to the older sister of my preschool “boyfriend”, apparently he had a crush on me then. He now has a Phd, a wife and 2 adorable kids. Then I met with the sweetest nurse to finish the process. She had the best British accent and I wanted to sit in her office all day and just listen to her talk. I was happy when I left the appointment and headed to work.
At some point between leaving the hospital and getting to work I started to have all these crazy thoughts. Not omg what if I die in surgery thoughts, those came later in the day. I started to think about my ex fiance and what went wrong in our relationship and that maybe I miss him and should call him, not that he’d want to talk to me or care at all. I started to think about how alone I am. I emailed my friend today and when asked how I was doing part of my response included: mid 30′s, single, no prospects = time to start shopping for a rocking chair and cats. The thoughts just got worse from there. I just felt alone and scared.
So at lunch I thought some retail therapy might help. I went to the new balance store to try to pick up some capris. They had them in a small and medium, pretty much everything they had was in a size large or smaller. Well as you might guess with my really unhappy thoughts this didn’t help. It only served to make me feel lonely and fat.
Then something happened this afternoon I was going through my google reader and read this post by @DubyaWife and then this post by @tidbits_of_tara. I felt better in some ways. I felt less alone. No I didn’t go to fitbloggin’ this past weekend, no I didn’t get to me the wonderful and amazing people there. I did get to experience it through the many blog posts and twitter updates. I’m not alone in my struggles to eat healthy, to not binge, to run, to exercise, to get fit, to have a positive self-image.
I am not alone. I have friends and family who support me. I have friends who I have yet to meet in person that I am making through social media on my journey to get healthy. Sometimes there will be days where it isn’t easy and I will feel all those horrible things but as long as I realize I have support and use that support I will not fail.
Also I realize that it is okay to let go of the past. I cannot change what was or even what will be. I can only work on me at this moment and strive to be the best person I can be today.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me today even if you didn’t know you were helping.
May 23, 2011 at 10:55 pm (life)
Disclaimer: this post is not happy and is about a current medical situation I’m dealing with.
So about a month and a half ago I went to my doctor for my yearly physical and all that jazz. A couple weeks after my appointment the nurse calls and says “your test results were very abnormal and we want you to see a specialist and by the way we already scheduled you an appointment with him”. So I look up the specialist on google when I get back to the office and the only word I see is ONCOLOGIST. I freaked out. I have to see an oncologist and the appointment isn’t for almost two weeks??!?!?!!
Well the day comes and I go see this doctor. He talks to me, he does a small biopsy in the office. Call back in a week and check the results but it may be nothing.
A week goes by and I call for the results. Nurse calls me back to tell me yes my results are in but he wants me to come into the office to discuss them.
Now at this point I’m, in my head, I’m on radiation or chemotherapy losing my hair and dying. Have I ever mentioned that I sometimes overreact to things? Yah I do.
Well I go in to discuss my results last week and he basically says the test contradict one another and he wants to do another biopsy but this one is surgical and will require light anesthesia. Then he should be able to say if it is cancerous or just some abnormal cell growth.
That brings up to today and me not being able to sleep because Thursday morning at 7 am I’m going to be at the hospital for surgery. It is outpatient and I should be home the same day and back to normal activity in a couple of days. However we should revisit the fact that I overreact sometimes. I’m freaking out over the possibility of complications and what if something goes wrong.
I’m trying very hard to be positive. I’m trying very hard to not let the stress make me eat. I’m trying very hard to just go on like everything is normal but I really want to curl up in a ball and hide.
I am however doing pretty well with the not eating my stress. I’m also amused that one of the things I’m worried about is how this will interrupt my exercise routine.
No matter what the results I can deal with them. I can also be proud of myself for making positive changes, me worried about exercise, why yes I am!
May 23, 2011 at 7:46 am (health, Weekly weigh in)
Monday is my normal weigh in day. I weigh myself at work because I cannot have a scale in my house. If I have a scale in the house I become obsessive. It is hard enough to not step on the scale at work 2-3 times a day. I know I can’t do this because when I weigh myself that much I allow the number on the scale to effect my mood. I want to see the number on the scale as just a marker of progress not the entire basis for what I am doing. I am on this journey to get healthy and feel better.
all that being said this week’s number is: -1.8
I was kind of disappointed when I got on the scale this morning after two weeks of 4lb losses. I mentally smacked myself for that thought process and then was pretty happy at my progress. I have to accept that there will be big losses, small losses and even some gains along the way. This number is a way for me to evaluate what I’m doing and adjust. I know this week I had several days where I was off my schedule, I ate out WAY to many times and didn’t drink enough water. This week I will adjust those things.
