Today has been, so far, what I’d consider not so great. It isn’t that anything big has happened, no major trauma, no life changing incidents. It has been a day where I have been locked in my head with to many thoughts. Those thoughts are playing havoc with my self-esteem and self-worth.
If you read my post from last night you know I’m not sleeping well because I’m stressing over having a minor surgery this Thursday. This morning I went in for my preop appointment. I had blood drawn by the most competent person ever. In one stick she got what she needed and I don’t have a bruise and I always have a bruise when I have blood drawn. I gave my money to the older sister of my preschool “boyfriend”, apparently he had a crush on me then. He now has a Phd, a wife and 2 adorable kids. Then I met with the sweetest nurse to finish the process. She had the best British accent and I wanted to sit in her office all day and just listen to her talk. I was happy when I left the appointment and headed to work.
At some point between leaving the hospital and getting to work I started to have all these crazy thoughts. Not omg what if I die in surgery thoughts, those came later in the day. I started to think about my ex fiance and what went wrong in our relationship and that maybe I miss him and should call him, not that he’d want to talk to me or care at all. I started to think about how alone I am. I emailed my friend today and when asked how I was doing part of my response included: mid 30′s, single, no prospects = time to start shopping for a rocking chair and cats. The thoughts just got worse from there. I just felt alone and scared.
So at lunch I thought some retail therapy might help. I went to the new balance store to try to pick up some capris. They had them in a small and medium, pretty much everything they had was in a size large or smaller. Well as you might guess with my really unhappy thoughts this didn’t help. It only served to make me feel lonely and fat.
Then something happened this afternoon I was going through my google reader and read this post by @DubyaWife and then this post by @tidbits_of_tara. I felt better in some ways. I felt less alone. No I didn’t go to fitbloggin’ this past weekend, no I didn’t get to me the wonderful and amazing people there. I did get to experience it through the many blog posts and twitter updates. I’m not alone in my struggles to eat healthy, to not binge, to run, to exercise, to get fit, to have a positive self-image.
I am not alone. I have friends and family who support me. I have friends who I have yet to meet in person that I am making through social media on my journey to get healthy. Sometimes there will be days where it isn’t easy and I will feel all those horrible things but as long as I realize I have support and use that support I will not fail.
Also I realize that it is okay to let go of the past. I cannot change what was or even what will be. I can only work on me at this moment and strive to be the best person I can be today.
Thank you to everyone who has helped me today even if you didn’t know you were helping.
